When recovery feels like a luxury
It’s January, and people are out there choosing their word of the year.
Mine is recovery.
Not in a spa-day, take-a-break kind of way. (Although it may include some spa days!)
But in the real, raw sense of recovering from a decade that stretched me beyond my limits.
The truth is, I couldn’t focus on recovery before now.
And I want to say this out loud because maybe you need to hear it too.
Today I’m talking about:
Info: Why recovery isn’t possible when you’re in survival mode
Tips: How to navigate the hard seasons with less shame
Recommendations: A few things that helped (eventually)
The myth of micro self-care
If you’re struggling or going through a difficult phase of your life, I’m sure you’ve heard all the well-meaning advice.
“Just take five minutes for yourself every day.”
“Make time for stillness.”
“Breathe.”
But sometimes even that just doesn’t feel possible. It’s certainly how I’ve felt over the last 10 years, and so this advice can make things even worse.
Whilst all our situations are different, as I reflect on my personal experience and challenges, I’ve come to realise that it’s often only possible to recover, focus on yourself and your wellbeing when other things change.
There were days when brushing my teeth felt like a luxury.
I remember seeing someone on social media, two New Years ago, sharing that they were trying to start each day with a smoothie.
It jolted me.
Because the gap between where they were and where I was felt immense.
A smoothie? I was just trying to get through the day.
So I set my own goal - to wash my face and brush my teeth each morning.
I didn’t manage it, not at first.
But in time, I did.
And looking back, that small, private resolution was huge. Not because of what it was but because it showed me just how much I was enduring.
We don’t talk enough about the fact that wellness is often only accessible when certain conditions are met:
When you have some degree of control
When you have the space to think
When you have the financial means
And, of course, when you have the privilege.
In the meantime, for many of us, recovery has to wait.
But things changed for me
Slowly. Gradually. And not always in the ways I expected.
Now, after a long stretch of doing-whatever-it-took to keep going, I find myself in a different place.
Not everything is sorted. Life is still life.
But I finally have enough steadiness to look inward and ask: What do I need now?
Recovery for me isn’t about going back to some ‘before’ version of myself.
It’s about tending to what’s been neglected.
Listening. Grieving. Repairing. Reclaiming.
And it’s incredibly hopeful for me. I feel so grateful to be in the position I am.
I want to say this to anyone in the thick of it:
Just because you can’t recover now doesn’t mean you never will.
You are not doing it wrong. You’re just surviving. And that’s more than enough.
You could be parenting alone, juggling work, managing health challenges, living with acute stress, or stuck in unsafe or financially precarious situations – whatever your situation, often it doesn’t leave space, time or the possibility to focus on you even in a small way.
I can’t promise things can change. But I can offer you one small thing - hope.
Tips for surviving when recovery isn’t on the table
Scrap the shoulds. If a tip or practice feels impossible or makes you feel worse, let it go.
Protect your energy. You don’t owe access to people or spaces that drain or invalidate you.
Find micro-agency. In chaos, even the smallest choice (what to wear, what to eat) can be grounding.
Validate your now. You don’t need to be ‘healing’ to be worthy of care.
Notice what’s yours. Shame thrives when we blame ourselves for things that weren’t in our control.
Recommendations
Read Burnout: how to manage your nervous system before it manages you
by Claire Plumbly (clinical psychologist)
A brilliant book with the tools to thrive amidst the challenges of modern life.
Write a ‘Not now’ list
Instead of setting more goals, try naming what can wait. What can you lay down, just for now? But have hope you will come to it in the future.
A request - If you have any recommendations for me as I recover - books, things to do, philosophies, or anything really (!), then just reply with your suggestions. I’ll be very grateful.
Closing thought
It’s so important to recognise that all our situations are relative. I have been through a challenging time, but I also know that comparatively I have had it easier than so many people in this world. Especially the complex world we are now living in.
It’s one of the reasons I’m grateful to do what I do. Whilst I can’t change the world, I can focus on changing the hearts and minds of those who will listen. And validate the experiences of those who are struggling.
Recovery isn’t a race or a resolution. It’s a returning.
And when it finally becomes possible, you’ll know.
Speak soon,
Jess
PS Whenever you’re ready, here are some ways I can help:
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PPS Here's what someone said about some in person sessions recently… "Amazing workshop! Learnt a lot!” |