When kindness goes too soft: lessons from Ellie’s Strictly journey

Watching this season of Strictly Come Dancing and seeing Ellie Goldstein (the first contestant with Down syndrome on the show) shine has been inspiring. But more than that, it’s flagged up something important about how we include people with learning disabilities (and others) in workplaces, classrooms and community life.

I’m gutted Ellie’s journey on Strictly is over (there were a few tears shed in our household!) but so pleased we got to see her in all her brilliance for the last 5 weeks!

Before we dive into this week’s newsletter, a reminder about my upcoming FREE masterclass tomorrow, on 5th Nov…

Ellie Goldstein made history by joining Strictly’s full series this year as the first contestant with Down syndrome. Here’s a bit more on that from Mencap. Her presence is an important step for representation. And she’s no token: she’s already broken barriers in modelling, acting and advocacy.

But here’s where inclusion gets tricky. The judges gave Ellie glowing commentary - “amazing”, “inspiring”, “brilliant” - yet gave her scores that didn’t seem to match the praise. On LinkedIn Izzy W. articulates the issue perfectly here. I agree with Izzy when she says that

“Craig is the only judge consistently treating Ellie like every other competitor - with respect and constructive honesty, just adapted for clarity.”

The other judges, whilst with the best intentions, fell into the trap of infantilising Ellie and possibly worrying too much about upsetting her. But as a result of this, it’s confusing. And what Ellie (like everyone else) really needs is honest, fair, growth‑oriented feedback.

If we translate that back into a workplace or classroom: someone highly valued, someone who has every right to be there, but the feedback they get is filtered or softened because of their disability (in this case a learning disability) rather than adapted for them.

Inclusion isn’t simply “we’re kind and we lower the bar a little” or “we’re careful not to upset them”. Actually, if we reduce our expectations or avoid delivering constructive feedback, we hold people back. Especially when the difference in experience is rooted in a learning disability, where clarity, scaffolding and accessible feedback make a genuine difference.

Learning disability is often hidden, misunderstood, and responses to it drift into protective behaviours. On Strictly I noticed the same pattern: a wonderful person, a legitimate competitor, but the judging felt like it was publicly tip‑toeing rather than treating them like every other competitor with the supports they might need.

When that kind of “protective kindness” happens at work or in education it can look like:

And that means the person with the learning disability may feel confused (“Why does everyone say I was amazing yet here’s a lower rating?”) or short‑changed (“They didn’t expect much of me, so why bother?”).

If I reflect on Ellie’s journey and how we translate that into work, classrooms or teams: good inclusion means fairness + adaptation not fairness by reducing expectations. It means believing in someone’s capability and giving them the tools.

In a neuroinclusive workplace that might mean:

Here are some actionable strategies you can try this week:

✅ Review your feedback style: Does your praise come with a helpful “next time try…”?
✅ Adapt communication: Be clear and specific when sharing feedback.
✅ Maintain expectations: Keep the bar consistent - adjust ways of working and support, not standards.
✅ Invite dialogue: Ask what feedback felt useful, what didn’t.
✅ Recognise skill, not just presence: Celebrate effort and growth, not just participation.

Ellie’s journey on Strictly shows how bias, however gentle, creeps into inclusion when we’re more afraid of doing harm than confident in someone’s potential.

So let’s be honest. Be kind. And raise the bar with support, not remove it.

Speak soon,
Jess

PS Whenever you’re ready, here are some ways I can help: