The phrase I loved... until I listened

Language has power. It shapes how we see people, how we treat them, and how we build cultures.

But sometimes even the most beautiful words can miss the mark if they don’t come from the people they’re meant to describe.

This week I’m talking about:

• Info: The Māori phrases for autism, and how this shows the complexity of language

• Tips: How to use language that respects lived experience

• Recommendations: A cracking podcast, webinar and a book!

The weight of words

I used to really love the Māori phrase often shared for autism:

Takiwātanga: In their own time and space.

(Pronounced tah-kee-wah-tahn-gah)

It felt beautiful. Gentle. Respectful. Like it honoured difference.

But I recently discovered that phrase wasn’t chosen by autistic Māori people themselves. It was given to them.

When you listen to autistic Māori people, many actually prefer:

Kura Urupare (Pronounced KOO-rah OO-roo-PAH-reh) – translated as gift or treasure in and around your head. Sometimes also understood as gift of the senses.

For me, that feels even more powerful. Not words chosen about them, but words chosen by them.

This difference matters. Because language is never neutral. It carries history, identity, and lived experience. Even when well-intentioned, words imposed from the outside can erase rather than include.

It’s complex, and as always, no one right answer. Some Māori people prefer Takiwātanga and others prefer Kura Urupare - and I expect some prefer other terms altogether.

So it’s vital we recognise this complexity and nuance.

For more about where these phrases come from, listen to the podcast in the recommendation section below.

Why this matters for all of us

It’s tempting to look for “nice” words. Words that feel softer, kinder, more palatable. Or words that make us feel more comfortable.

But if those words don’t come from the people living the experience, they risk becoming another layer of silencing.

Many people avoid saying disabled and opt for something like differently abled. To some it sounds positive. But many disabled people find it patronising.

Let me be clear about my views on this…there is nothing wrong with being disabled. Disability is a natural part of human variation, and the issue is in society’s perception and ableism.

When we reframe in that way, the word ‘disabled’ doesn’t feel so uncomfortable.

But the point isn’t to hunt for the perfect phrase. It’s to listen. To let people name themselves, and then honour those words.

Practical tips

If you’re thinking about the language you use in your workplace, classroom, or community, here are some places to start:

✅ Follow, don’t force – Ask people what terms they prefer. Respect their choice, even if it challenges your own comfort.
✅ Be specific – “Neurodivergent” is useful, but sometimes people want their exact identity recognised. Use autistic, dyslexic, ADHD – if that’s what they’ve shared. And some may not like a ‘label’ at all.
✅ Challenge euphemisms – If you hear “special needs” or “differently-abled”, gently reframe and encourage a conversation about it.
✅ Recognise culture and context – Language has different histories in different places. Don’t assume one-size-fits-all. Learn from the communities you’re engaging with.
✅ Keep listening – Language evolves. Stay open, curious, and ready to shift.
✅ Set the tone early – In any workshop, policy, or staff communication about neurodiversity, call out the nuance of language upfront.

Here’s a statement you can lift and use:

Recommended resources

• Autistic Culture Podcast: Takiwātanga Tension - a brilliant episode exploring more about the origins and perspectives of the Māori terms

• Beyond the Labels: ND and The Asian Experience – A conversation with Atif Choudhury and Reena Anand - 5th September 12pm online (free)

• Lost and Now Found: A guide to understanding and accepting yourself for late-discovered autistic adults by Suzi Payton and Kate Laine-Toner

Closing thought

Language matters. But listening matters more. The words we use shouldn’t just sound good from the outside – they should ring true for the people who live them.

And if I’m honest, I’ve had to catch myself on this too. There are phrases I once used and loved, only to later learn they didn’t land well for the people they described. That’s humbling. But it’s also freeing – because it means I can grow, adapt, and do better.

Speak soon,

Jess

PS Whenever you’re ready, here are some ways I can help:

• Want me to speak or run a workshop in your organisation? Head here to book a chat and make a plan.

• Join the waitlist for our NeuroNavigator® programme and become a certified Neurodiversity Champion. Doors closed for September, next cohort will be January 2026.

• Book a FREE Discovery call to chat through how I can support your workplace, your school or your family.