The invisible rules that silence people

Last week I watched a documentary about a woman whose story made headlines for all the wrong reasons.

She had survived something most of us couldn’t imagine.
But instead of being met with belief and compassion, she was met with doubt and ridicule.

Her crime? She didn’t act the way people thought she should.

It made me think about how dangerous our obsession with “normal” can be – and how easy it is to judge when someone’s reactions don’t match our expectations.

Today I’m talking about:

• Info: Why Chloe Ayling’s story shows the danger of judging people against social norms.

• Tips: How to spot when we’re falling into the “addicted to normal” trap.

• Recommendations: Resources that help unpick bias and widen our perspective.

Info: Why Chloe’s story matters for all of us

The woman in the documentary was Chloe Ayling.

In 2017, she was kidnapped in Italy.
Held captive for 6 days.
She survived.

But instead of being treated as a victim, she was accused of making it up.

Why? Because she didn’t behave how a “real” victim was supposed to behave.

She wore hotpants and a low cut top to make a press statement.
She smiled at times.
She didn’t cry enough.
She gave interviews without much visible emotion.

Years later, her kidnapper was convicted. She had been telling the truth all along.

In the documentary she also reveals that she was diagnosed as autistic. And in many ways that explains some of the unexpected ways she acted.

But it can also be explained by the fact that we all process trauma differently.

Regardless of the reason, what matters is that it’s our expectations that are the problem.

But because of society’s seeming addiction to sameness and one way of doing things, I wasn’t shocked people doubted her.

And here’s the part I’m not really proud of: I doubted her too. Back then, before my neurodiversity journey, I was also addicted to “normal” without even realising it. I’d learned the invisible rules and enforced them without question.

We see this in all sorts of places:

• The quiet employee in meetings who’s seen as disengaged, when they’re processing deeply.

• The direct colleague who’s considered to be blunt and rude, when they’re actually being honest and efficient.

• The teenager who avoids eye contact with a teacher and gets labelled “rude”, when it’s actually a sign of anxiety.

We think we’re reading people – but we’re really reading our own expectations.

And the cost? We silence people. We dismiss their truths. We judge their credibility not by what happened, but by how closely they match our script for what’s “normal”.

Tips: How to spot when we’re addicted to normal

• Notice your snap judgements. When someone’s reaction feels “off”, pause and ask: off compared to what?

• Check your internal scripts. Who decided that “good communication” means eye contact, or that “professional” means a certain tone?

• Challenge the comfort test. If something feels strange, that discomfort might be your bias talking.

• Look for outcomes, not optics. Focus on what’s being said or done, not whether it’s delivered in the way you expect.

• Talk about difference. The more we normalise varied ways of being, the less we’ll default to mistrusting them.

Recommendations

• TED Talk: “The danger of a single story” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie – A powerful look at how assumptions shape our understanding.

• Book: Unmasking Autism by Devon Price – Insight into how societal expectations silence and misread autistic voices.

• Workshop: When “Normal” holds you back: How to unlock your team’s true potential - Explore how unspoken workplace norms limit ideas, collaboration and productivity, and learn how to build an environment where every perspective counts. Reply with WORKSHOP for more details.

Closing thought
We can’t unlearn our biases overnight but we can start noticing them. And once we see the invisible rules for what they are, we can choose to rewrite them. One conversation, one decision, one moment of “What if this is just how they are?” at a time.

Speak soon,

Jess

PS Whenever you’re ready, here are some ways I can help:

• Want me to speak or run a workshop in your organisation? Head here to book a chat and make a plan.

• Join the waitlist for our NeuroNavigator® programme and become a certified Neurodiversity Champion. Doors closed for September, next cohort will be January 2026.

• Book a FREE Discovery call to chat through how I can support your workplace, your school or your family.